So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.