@Tbone7219

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

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@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@DavidAdt1

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

@noog

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

@Phlegmingway

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

@ilovepie84

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

@Carbosly

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

@noog

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.