Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Some people were born into their job.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Smooooooth
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.