4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
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pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them