girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.