Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.