People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Self-cleaning conscience
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.