Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.