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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.