Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
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being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*