My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos