not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
You Might Also Like
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
let’s discuss
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!