Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
You Might Also Like
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
so much to do
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!