“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Dolls on drugs
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year