@samalmightysam

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

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@noog

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

@UncleDuke1969

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

@Tommytoughstuff

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

@BonaFideIntent

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

@iAmDelFreaky

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

@PoodleSnarf

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

@kimmie_1980

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

@AnnaKendrick47

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”