On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around