This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.


My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.


COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this


[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”



I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.


Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??



All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.


*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one


The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.