@IamJackBoot Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
@patnspankme This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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@IamJackBoot 
@SondraDeeMe My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
@MatCro COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
@Reverend_Scott [movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
@better_off_dad2 *parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
@Turn2Dude I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
@Megatronic13 Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
@noog All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
@PhilipJFried *writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
@WoodyLuvsCoffee The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.