@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

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@IamJackBoot

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

@SondraDeeMe

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

@MatCro

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

@Turn2Dude

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

@Megatronic13

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

@noog

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

@PhilipJFried

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.