This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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This is my cat’s medicine.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…