Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
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I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
fr
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle