911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
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please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I know this now 😂
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The two types of wives