Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!