Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I cannot call her anything else now
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
How did we not see this back then?
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.