I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Breaking news:
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.