It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
the composer
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job