In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Breaking news:
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
my dad has had enough
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”