Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow