A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
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[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.