My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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Happy Febuary everyone!
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff