Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
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“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
🤣dope
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.