There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.