[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
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it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
how was your vacation
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Meow
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*