“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.