At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
You Might Also Like
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
December birthdays be like…
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Very good news from my accountant
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !