The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Ironic
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
can’t catch a break
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I bet birds love this building.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
A French press is when you hug naked
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that