Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don鈥檛 underst鈥攊t鈥檚 2:15, you can鈥檛 have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I鈥檓 threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it鈥檚 a chippy chip
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me 馃檪
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 馃檨
I thought I liked salads鈥urns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Them: Hey aren鈥檛 you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Either you鈥檙e giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad