Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
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This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
remember
only for emergencies
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.