We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”