We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
#oldknees
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I just ran a .003048K
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC