I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
This is enough internet for the day.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories