GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
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Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My circle of trust is a meatball
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.