Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.