Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
#Caturday
*feels the wind in my toe hair
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen