Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
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[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.