[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
You Might Also Like
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
my one true gender
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*