If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh


ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid


[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”




Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.


Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.


Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.


So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.


Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!


I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”