If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE