If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
When can I start eating bats again.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.