Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

still the best tweet of the year by far

who wore it better?

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

peeping toms

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.