Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.