Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
When I said I liked it rough.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.