Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
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I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.