Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?