Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*