Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
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SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
☺️
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.