Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.