explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.