wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.


60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.


Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?


*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*


I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.


[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still


I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.


I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.