wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
How to find Kentucky on a map
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
mathematically impossible