@TheHyyyype

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

@pest_mode

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

@krisv_723

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

@HughGoesThere

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

@1Happytwit

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

@JediGigi

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.