You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
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Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”