GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”